Thank you for sharing your story with such honesty. I deeply resonate with so much of what you wrote, especially the connection between control, eating disorders, and the mother wound.
Like you, my need for control over my body started at a young age. I remember being painfully aware of my size as early as five or six—doing ballet, tap, jazz, gymnastics, and horseback riding, yet constantly feeling like I was too big, too clumsy, never quite able to keep up. The teasing from peers was one thing, but the harshest words came from my own mother. She called me fat, mocked my body, even told me I looked like a “retarded whale” when I swam butterfly during swim team. Her constant criticism, combined with the impossible beauty standards of the ‘90s—low-rise jeans, ultra-thin models—set the stage for my own battle with disordered eating.
By high school, I was taking diet pills, following restrictive meal plans, and exercising obsessively—so much so that I forged notes to skip class just to work out. I was diagnosed with non-purging bulimia, using exercise as a form of control, as a way to prove my worth. Looking back, I doubt my mom saw it as a problem—if anything, she was probably proud that I could fit into her clothes from the ‘70s. But at what cost?
I also found it really interesting that you brought up the genetic and relational aspect of eating disorders. My mom lived in a constant state of restriction too—she ate 1,200-1,500 calories a day while she was pregnant with me because she didn’t want to gain much weight. And that wasn’t just her choice; it was also reinforced by her doctor. Knowing what I do now as a lifestyle and nutritionist, that’s barely enough for a toddler, let alone a baby in the womb. I was literally starved of nutrients before I even entered the world. On top of that, she smoked at least three cigarettes a day while pregnant, which I know had its own negative effects on my development. When I think about it, my relationship with food and my body was impacted long before I ever took my first breath.
In college, my eating disorder evolved under the guise of “health.” Getting my degree in dietetics and becoming a personal trainer gave me more balance in some ways, but it also gave me a way to rationalize and disguise my disordered behaviors as discipline. Vegetarianism, Paleo, Isagenix shakes, bodybuilding—it was all another layer of control, another way to chase an illusion of perfection at the expense of my health. And I’m still dealing with the consequences—thyroid dysfunction, adrenal burnout, fertility challenges.
What really struck me in your piece is how you describe the psychological distress when food rules are broken. I’ve felt that too. The guilt, the need to “make up” for it, the fear of losing control. And the more I learn about complex PTSD, the more I see how deeply food and appetite are tied to trauma. As you said, it’s such a multifaceted issue—dopamine, diet culture, the need for safety when childhood felt anything but.
I really appreciate you putting words to this experience. It’s so important that we continue these conversations—not just about eating disorders, but about the deeper wounds that fuel them.
Megan, I’m sitting here crying reading your story because it reinforces for me how many of us have fought this battle - for control, for worth, for love and acceptance - for not just years, but decades. It’s heartbreaking that our culture perpetuates these standards, but even more heartbreaking when our mothers do. I’m so sorry for your experience, and the pain and trauma inflicted from your mother. I’m so sorry for the lifetime of repercussions you have suffered because of this. There’s so much I could say but just know that I relate to everything you have written, and that I see you. Sending much love ❤️
Wow, i was contemplating writing a very similar piece but u wrote it for me. I don’t know if youve read Elizabeth Gilbert’s Big Magic but she talks about how inspiration finds its home… thanks for sharing this truth 🌟💗
Yes! I loved that book and I loved that concept and have found it to be true many times in things I was going to write and never got around to, only to find someone else had! And thank you, sending much love ❤️
Thank you for your thoughtful words. My journey w body consciousness is a little different, but still I think tied to the mother wound.
My mother was always trim, kept so by cigarettes and cocktails. I started gaining weight in adolescence: my response to her control was to rebel, and perhaps also to be less attractive to predators. Because I developed breasts early, I was often taken as years older than my age. The night before I started high school (age15) my parents took me out to dinner to celebrate( of course to a restaurant with a full bar). As I sat at the bar with my parents a guy tried to pick me up- cue the hilarity- and I rebuffed him by saying " I can't go home with you, I have to go to school tomorrow!"
Body issues are so complex, and I think whichever way our mothers fell on the scale affects and influences our own body image and body consciousness. And lol, nice rebuff!
Bravo, beautiful Kathy. 👏🤍 This is so perfectly written. I have so desperately wanted to write on this myself. As someone who suffered with an eating disorder for 14 years, I couldnt resonate with this more. The mother wound and patriachal system tie into this way of thinking/being so hugely. Thank you for articulating it all so well.
Phoebe, thank you for these words! It was a challenging chapter to write and I’m still not sure I quite got there but I think there’s some truth in there around these themes. I’m sorry you know this suffering first hand but thankful my words were able to resonate with you. Sending much love ❤️
Kathy, your journey with orthorexia and the Mother Wound reflects a profound struggle with control, societal expectations and personal healing. By exploring these themes, you're bravely providing a voice for others who share similar experiences while navigating the complexities of your own. Remember, it's your vulnerability and willingness to confront these challenges that are your greatest strengths in writing this chapter. Thank you so much for courageously sharing what must've been such difficult years. What an incredible book this is going to be!
Deborah, I’m so thankful for these words, it was a chapter I really struggled to feel I was able to do justice to, so thank you for these words encouragement you offer, I appreciate them - and you - so much ❤️
Thank you for sharing your story with such honesty. I deeply resonate with so much of what you wrote, especially the connection between control, eating disorders, and the mother wound.
Like you, my need for control over my body started at a young age. I remember being painfully aware of my size as early as five or six—doing ballet, tap, jazz, gymnastics, and horseback riding, yet constantly feeling like I was too big, too clumsy, never quite able to keep up. The teasing from peers was one thing, but the harshest words came from my own mother. She called me fat, mocked my body, even told me I looked like a “retarded whale” when I swam butterfly during swim team. Her constant criticism, combined with the impossible beauty standards of the ‘90s—low-rise jeans, ultra-thin models—set the stage for my own battle with disordered eating.
By high school, I was taking diet pills, following restrictive meal plans, and exercising obsessively—so much so that I forged notes to skip class just to work out. I was diagnosed with non-purging bulimia, using exercise as a form of control, as a way to prove my worth. Looking back, I doubt my mom saw it as a problem—if anything, she was probably proud that I could fit into her clothes from the ‘70s. But at what cost?
I also found it really interesting that you brought up the genetic and relational aspect of eating disorders. My mom lived in a constant state of restriction too—she ate 1,200-1,500 calories a day while she was pregnant with me because she didn’t want to gain much weight. And that wasn’t just her choice; it was also reinforced by her doctor. Knowing what I do now as a lifestyle and nutritionist, that’s barely enough for a toddler, let alone a baby in the womb. I was literally starved of nutrients before I even entered the world. On top of that, she smoked at least three cigarettes a day while pregnant, which I know had its own negative effects on my development. When I think about it, my relationship with food and my body was impacted long before I ever took my first breath.
In college, my eating disorder evolved under the guise of “health.” Getting my degree in dietetics and becoming a personal trainer gave me more balance in some ways, but it also gave me a way to rationalize and disguise my disordered behaviors as discipline. Vegetarianism, Paleo, Isagenix shakes, bodybuilding—it was all another layer of control, another way to chase an illusion of perfection at the expense of my health. And I’m still dealing with the consequences—thyroid dysfunction, adrenal burnout, fertility challenges.
What really struck me in your piece is how you describe the psychological distress when food rules are broken. I’ve felt that too. The guilt, the need to “make up” for it, the fear of losing control. And the more I learn about complex PTSD, the more I see how deeply food and appetite are tied to trauma. As you said, it’s such a multifaceted issue—dopamine, diet culture, the need for safety when childhood felt anything but.
I really appreciate you putting words to this experience. It’s so important that we continue these conversations—not just about eating disorders, but about the deeper wounds that fuel them.
💟
Megan, I’m sitting here crying reading your story because it reinforces for me how many of us have fought this battle - for control, for worth, for love and acceptance - for not just years, but decades. It’s heartbreaking that our culture perpetuates these standards, but even more heartbreaking when our mothers do. I’m so sorry for your experience, and the pain and trauma inflicted from your mother. I’m so sorry for the lifetime of repercussions you have suffered because of this. There’s so much I could say but just know that I relate to everything you have written, and that I see you. Sending much love ❤️
Thank you for your writing and taking the time to read my response. It is healing to be heard and seen.
❤️
Wow, i was contemplating writing a very similar piece but u wrote it for me. I don’t know if youve read Elizabeth Gilbert’s Big Magic but she talks about how inspiration finds its home… thanks for sharing this truth 🌟💗
Yes! I loved that book and I loved that concept and have found it to be true many times in things I was going to write and never got around to, only to find someone else had! And thank you, sending much love ❤️
What a powerful and honest ending!
Thanks, Neesey ❤️
Thank you for your thoughtful words. My journey w body consciousness is a little different, but still I think tied to the mother wound.
My mother was always trim, kept so by cigarettes and cocktails. I started gaining weight in adolescence: my response to her control was to rebel, and perhaps also to be less attractive to predators. Because I developed breasts early, I was often taken as years older than my age. The night before I started high school (age15) my parents took me out to dinner to celebrate( of course to a restaurant with a full bar). As I sat at the bar with my parents a guy tried to pick me up- cue the hilarity- and I rebuffed him by saying " I can't go home with you, I have to go to school tomorrow!"
Body issues are so complex, and I think whichever way our mothers fell on the scale affects and influences our own body image and body consciousness. And lol, nice rebuff!
Bravo, beautiful Kathy. 👏🤍 This is so perfectly written. I have so desperately wanted to write on this myself. As someone who suffered with an eating disorder for 14 years, I couldnt resonate with this more. The mother wound and patriachal system tie into this way of thinking/being so hugely. Thank you for articulating it all so well.
Phoebe, thank you for these words! It was a challenging chapter to write and I’m still not sure I quite got there but I think there’s some truth in there around these themes. I’m sorry you know this suffering first hand but thankful my words were able to resonate with you. Sending much love ❤️
You did an incredible job in my eyes. Grateful for you! Sending you lots of love back. 🤍
Kathy, your journey with orthorexia and the Mother Wound reflects a profound struggle with control, societal expectations and personal healing. By exploring these themes, you're bravely providing a voice for others who share similar experiences while navigating the complexities of your own. Remember, it's your vulnerability and willingness to confront these challenges that are your greatest strengths in writing this chapter. Thank you so much for courageously sharing what must've been such difficult years. What an incredible book this is going to be!
Deborah, I’m so thankful for these words, it was a chapter I really struggled to feel I was able to do justice to, so thank you for these words encouragement you offer, I appreciate them - and you - so much ❤️