Brilliantly written and deeply insightful. It's ironic to me that our parents seemingly give up everything to raise us, and some of them bungle it so badly that, even if we chose not to have children, as I did, we still find ourselves parents…of our own broken children inside.
This is such a good point—the reparenting of our inner child in us is such a huge process that cannot be underrated, it’s a lifetime commitment to heal the broken parts of ourselves and re-learn everything that was taught so wrongly to us.
I appreciate your writing so much, thank you. I was raised to be the caregiver of my alcoholic, mentally ill mother. After my first marriage to an alcoholic that ended in him trying to kill me, my aunt took me to an Al-Anon meeting. I later got sober in AA myself. The process of working the 12Steps with compassionate sponsors helped me recover a sense of personal agency that I had never learned. I was in my early 30s when I realized that I traded "helping" for inclusion and affection. I've come a long way, but it's still amazing to me at how deep the roots of caregiving for approval and love go in me.
That’s such a huge, incredible journey—one that shows so much strength and resilience. Thank you for sharing that, and I’m so glad you’ve found your way to such a better life. I can relate so much to the trading helping for affection, after much of my life being spent trying to earn love.
This one hits close to home in many ways. I can see where I did not learn the boundaries, I was my mother’s confidant and I did the same with my older daughter as she became a teen. I can not change the past yet I can acknowledge it today. I can ask her to understand that my inability to teach proper boundaries came for my unknowing and now I know different. It is up to her to want to hear and understand that today. This has me contemplating a lot right now, thank you once again.
I have unknowingly the same at times with my eldest daughter too, and she has brought this up with me as something that has caused her pain in feeling she has had to carry my burdens. It’s a pain I now carry in knowing I have hurt her in this way, and I cannot change that or take it back. I don’t have the chance to make it better, but I can only do better with what I know and understand now, and hope, like your daughter, she is able to hear and understand and forgive. Sending much love, Alicia ❤️
I needed to read exactly this today Kathy, so thank you. Although I've been married for almost 39 years, these last few days I've been thinking about how I allowed myself to be abused by men for years before I met my husband. I've blamed myself for having so little self worth, but my story is so much bigger than that. As you say, my journey now is about trying to leave all this generational trauma behind and building healthier relationships right now. There are so many layers to peel back and sometimes it feels so tough, but I truly want to move on and realise my own worth. I'm so grateful for your words 💛 Karen
Thank you, Karen. I relate completely to allowing men to abuse you, it took me so long to understand I was worth protecting and allowed far too much harm in my life through relationships because I did not know my boundaries, or believe I was worthy to have them. So much heartache, and learning the hard way, but so many better days ahead now.
Hard to read, for many reasons, yet so deeply appreciated as well. I am awash in recognition of the depth and breadth of my own life experience. You have my empathy, my appreciation, my gratitude.
Exactly this. Imagine having grown up with a mother who was firm and unshakeable in her boundaries and taught you the same. I can’t even imagine how much hurt and pain I would have avoided. Thankful to be learning these things for myself now 💕
Reparenting is essential, yet so hard when you were hardwired at an early age to abandon your own needs... but that is the work. Solemn and essential. Thank you for another deeply moving and important piece. I needed to read this today to get unstuck.
Sitting here in tears because of how seen I always feel reading your words. So grateful for you, Kathy, and also so Incredibly sorry this has been your experience. 🤍
Writing about that experience in my life triggered a lot for me, I have refused to revisit it for so long. But I think it’s one of the most profound examples of a mother’s lack of boundaries being directly passed down to her daughter and the result being neither knowing how to protect themselves or advocate for their needs.
I would love for this to be a topic for a Livestream Collab - if you are up for it, that is, I realize it can be very activating. It would be for me too, but my community can embrace all of that and appreciate us all showing up real and raw. I've not talked or written about this much directly - it is time.
Brilliantly written and deeply insightful. It's ironic to me that our parents seemingly give up everything to raise us, and some of them bungle it so badly that, even if we chose not to have children, as I did, we still find ourselves parents…of our own broken children inside.
This is such a good point—the reparenting of our inner child in us is such a huge process that cannot be underrated, it’s a lifetime commitment to heal the broken parts of ourselves and re-learn everything that was taught so wrongly to us.
I appreciate your writing so much, thank you. I was raised to be the caregiver of my alcoholic, mentally ill mother. After my first marriage to an alcoholic that ended in him trying to kill me, my aunt took me to an Al-Anon meeting. I later got sober in AA myself. The process of working the 12Steps with compassionate sponsors helped me recover a sense of personal agency that I had never learned. I was in my early 30s when I realized that I traded "helping" for inclusion and affection. I've come a long way, but it's still amazing to me at how deep the roots of caregiving for approval and love go in me.
That’s such a huge, incredible journey—one that shows so much strength and resilience. Thank you for sharing that, and I’m so glad you’ve found your way to such a better life. I can relate so much to the trading helping for affection, after much of my life being spent trying to earn love.
We don't talk enough about how girls are robbed of personal agency - thank you!
It’s such a common thing, heartbreakingly so.
This is a helpful and resonating read. Thank you for breaking points down clearly from your experience. 🙏🏻
I’m so glad, thank you ❤️
This one hits close to home in many ways. I can see where I did not learn the boundaries, I was my mother’s confidant and I did the same with my older daughter as she became a teen. I can not change the past yet I can acknowledge it today. I can ask her to understand that my inability to teach proper boundaries came for my unknowing and now I know different. It is up to her to want to hear and understand that today. This has me contemplating a lot right now, thank you once again.
I have unknowingly the same at times with my eldest daughter too, and she has brought this up with me as something that has caused her pain in feeling she has had to carry my burdens. It’s a pain I now carry in knowing I have hurt her in this way, and I cannot change that or take it back. I don’t have the chance to make it better, but I can only do better with what I know and understand now, and hope, like your daughter, she is able to hear and understand and forgive. Sending much love, Alicia ❤️
I needed to read exactly this today Kathy, so thank you. Although I've been married for almost 39 years, these last few days I've been thinking about how I allowed myself to be abused by men for years before I met my husband. I've blamed myself for having so little self worth, but my story is so much bigger than that. As you say, my journey now is about trying to leave all this generational trauma behind and building healthier relationships right now. There are so many layers to peel back and sometimes it feels so tough, but I truly want to move on and realise my own worth. I'm so grateful for your words 💛 Karen
Thank you, Karen. I relate completely to allowing men to abuse you, it took me so long to understand I was worth protecting and allowed far too much harm in my life through relationships because I did not know my boundaries, or believe I was worthy to have them. So much heartache, and learning the hard way, but so many better days ahead now.
Hard to read, for many reasons, yet so deeply appreciated as well. I am awash in recognition of the depth and breadth of my own life experience. You have my empathy, my appreciation, my gratitude.
Thank you, Trish. Truly grateful for your words and for walking alongside me ❤️
Yes, that is it! My Mom lacked boundaries and that’s why it’s difficult for me, still… 💕
Exactly this. Imagine having grown up with a mother who was firm and unshakeable in her boundaries and taught you the same. I can’t even imagine how much hurt and pain I would have avoided. Thankful to be learning these things for myself now 💕
Same here! 💕
Reparenting is essential, yet so hard when you were hardwired at an early age to abandon your own needs... but that is the work. Solemn and essential. Thank you for another deeply moving and important piece. I needed to read this today to get unstuck.
Solemn and essential. I love that description so much, Elizabeth!
Sitting here in tears because of how seen I always feel reading your words. So grateful for you, Kathy, and also so Incredibly sorry this has been your experience. 🤍
Phoebe, thank you more than you could ever know. I appreciate you being here so very much 🤍
In sharing your story, you have also given voice to mine. The parallels are infinite. Thank you, Kathy.
Writing about that experience in my life triggered a lot for me, I have refused to revisit it for so long. But I think it’s one of the most profound examples of a mother’s lack of boundaries being directly passed down to her daughter and the result being neither knowing how to protect themselves or advocate for their needs.
I would love for this to be a topic for a Livestream Collab - if you are up for it, that is, I realize it can be very activating. It would be for me too, but my community can embrace all of that and appreciate us all showing up real and raw. I've not talked or written about this much directly - it is time.
I'd be more than happy to discuss this topic, Rebecca. It would be a great conversation to have for your community.
Great, I’ll make a note of it on my Collab list!
Thanks - just saw this! You might like my recent essay -
Asian American Men and Their Fathers: Healing Old Wounds | Psychology Today https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-pacific-heart/202505/asian-american-men-and-their-fathers-healing-old-wounds
So many things came back to me when I read this text 😌
❤️
This article was really helpful. The sentiment at the end really healed something in me. Thank you.
I’m so happy to hear this. Thank you Elsie, and sending love ❤️
Thank you ❤️❤️🙏