Codependency and the Mother Wound: When Love Looks Like Emotional Caretaking

Examining how childhood attachment and mother-daughter dynamics shape codependency in adult relationships.

Photo by Sandy Ravaloniaina on Unsplash

Bless The Daughters: An Examination into the Mother Wound, Inherited Pain and the Legacies that Shape our Lives

Chapter Fourteen: Codependency ~ When Love Looks Like Emotional Caretaking

5.30am, and I am at my desk. The sky is ablaze with the fire of sunrise; a wall of citrus-coloured cloud brings the new day into existence. Outside, birdsong rallies the day to life. I recall reading that birdsong activates our parasympathetic nervous system, gently ushering us into a state of calm. That our bodies instinctively remember from ancestral times that the sound of birdsong means: you're safe. I breathe, encouraging my body into this place of safety as the sun climbs higher, colours of the sky soon swallowed by a fold of grey cloud, signalling—despite it being nearly the end of September—another cold and dreary day.

This chapter is difficult to know how best to enter—where to begin, how to progress. Codependency is a complex beast. Trying to understand it through the lens of the Mother Wound feels overwhelming, and I, inadequate in my lack of expertise. But as I write this morning, I remind myself to approach this chapter as I have all the others: not from a place of knowing, but from a place of curiosity. To let that curiosity be the touchstone that guides me toward revelation.

The challenge in writing about codependency is that it presents differently in every relational dynamic, while also lacking a single, universal definition. An article written by Ingrid Bacon and Jeff Conway gives a working definition of codependency as involving excessive emotional or psychological reliance on a partner, parent, child or other person. Further to this definition, it has been described as a relationship in which both individuals struggle with low self-worth, have difficulty setting boundaries, and involves control and manipulation,¹ while Melody Beattie, author of Codependent No More, defines it as allowing another person's behaviour to affect him or her and obsessing about controlling that person's behaviour.²

But still, I wonder—how do I begin to define this in the context of the Mother Wound? More so, how do I begin to understand this in light of my own Mother Wound? I feel the best way to address this chapter—and to gain an understanding of codependency in my own life— is to dissect it section by section, beginning with the formative years.

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Foundations of Codependency

“Hardship does not make us strong. Love and acceptance do. By conforming, we make it easier to achieve the status of being loved and accepted. Unfortunately, the expectations implicit in conforming deny us our spontaneity. This, in turn, eventually leads to recurring feelings of helplessness which perpetuates further compliance with the expectations of others… Our normal development as a child, of defining ourselves in relation to the world, is stunted. This nature of things erodes our sense of belonging.” ~ Jo Steenkamp PhD, An Integrated Theory & Psychotherapy for Trauma-Spectrum Manifestations³

I have never considered myself codependent. To me, the word codependent conjures images of neediness, clinginess and dependency; images I do not feel align with someone who associates more with hyper-independence in relationships—especially in respect to the relationship with my mother where I consider lack of attachment to be a defining characteristic of that relationship.

And yet, according to Licensed Clinical Social Worker, Michelle Halle, it is this very lack of attachment—this insecure attachment that stems from childhood experiences of trauma or inconsistent caregiving—that is closely linked to codependent behaviours.

Halle states that in response to emotional neglect or abuse, children may adapt by becoming hyper-focused on meeting the needs of others to gain affection or approval and that over time, this coping mechanism can evolve into adult patterns of self-neglect, identity confusion, and an excessive dependence on relationships for a sense of worth.⁴

Bowlby’s attachment theory further supports this, showing that children internalise patterns of attachment based on caregiver responsiveness, and when neglect or trauma is present, they learn to suppress their needs in favour of maintaining the bond. This is especially true in cases where the caregiver—most often the mother—is emotionally unavailable or unpredictable.⁵

Bowlby's research also emphasises that when attachment is secure, the child internalises a sense of being worthy, seen and soothed. But in environments where the parent is inconsistent or absent, the child learns to silence their own needs or become the emotional caretaker, which creates a blueprint for adult relationships marked by people-pleasing, emotional suppression, and self-worth rooted in caretaking.

Furthermore, in her book titled, Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents, Lindsay Gibson writes that children of emotionally immature parents frequently become hyper-attuned to the caregiver's emotional states, sacrificing their own needs in order to preserve the attachment bond. Over time, the child's sense of self becomes fused with the moods, approval, and emotional wellbeing of the caregiver—a dynamic that lays the foundation for codependent behaviours later in life.⁶

It appears the long-term effects of these dynamics run deep. As Bessel van der Kolk writes in The Body Keeps the Score, trauma—especially relational trauma in childhood—disrupts a child's neurobiological capacity to regulate emotion, perceive safety, and inhabit their body with trust. Children raised in emotionally unsafe environments often become neurologically wired for hypervigilance, scanning for signs of disapproval or abandonment. The roots of codependency become grounded in this vigilance—in the persistent preoccupation with the feelings and needs of others, often to the exclusion of self.⁷

Carrying on from this, John Bradshaw, in his book Homecoming, states that when a child is forced to abandon their authentic self in order to preserve connection, they exile their own needs, desires, and boundaries, leaving only a false self—a shape-shifted identity moulded around the emotional demands of others. Bradshaw asserts that these early disconnections from the self manifest later as anxiety, low self-worth, and codependency: the chronic compulsion to seek validation, safety, and identity through another person.⁸

In essence, it would seem codependency begins in childhood survival—born from the silent contract made by children when their emotional world is unsafe: if I stay small, good, and take care of everyone else, maybe I'll be loved.

Which leaves me to wonder if, perhaps, I have been carrying more of this than I ever knew.

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Codependency in Mother-Daughter Relationships

‘The loss of the daughter to the mother, the mother to the daughter, is the essential female tragedy.’ ~ Adrienne Rich, Of Woman Born⁹

If the roots of codependency are planted in early attachment, then the mother-daughter relationship is often where those roots dig deepest. What I've come to understand through writing this book is that the mother is most often the first mirror through which a daughter sees herself; the first emotional landscape she must learn to navigate. It makes sense, then, that if the mother is emotionally inconsistent, unavailable, or enmeshed, the daughter internalises this dynamic as her model of love and self-worth.

Codependency within the mother-daughter relationship can often begin when the daughter learns her emotional survival depends on meeting the emotional needs of her mother. In families where trauma, neglect, abuse and dysfunction are present, the roles between parent and child frequently reverse, resulting in a parentified daughter assuming the role of emotional caretaker and suppressing her own needs to manage the needs of her mother.¹⁰ Over time, this dynamic teaches the daughter that love must be earned through self-abandonment, compliance, and emotional labour.

Melody Beattie states that those with codependent traits often confuse love with caretaking, believing their worth lies in what they can do, give, or fix in others. In the context of the mother-daughter relationship, this belief is often ingrained through years of emotional enmeshment where the daughter's boundaries are never recognised and her sense of self is never fully allowed to form, which can often be something as simple as a mother who overshares, over-relies, or unconsciously burdens her daughter with the emotional weight of her unmet needs.

Psychologist Dr. Karyl McBride explores this dynamic in Will I Ever Be Good Enough? Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers, noting that daughters of such mothers often feel invisible unless they are fulfilling a role that benefits the parent. This conditional form of attachment erodes the daughter's ability to trust her own emotions or develop a strong internal compass; instead, she learns to scan the emotional weather of others—a chameleon adapting to any room in order to feel safe, accepted and loved.¹¹

It's no surprise, then, that daughters raised in these dynamics grow into women who over-function in relationships—women who become the emotional support system, the fixer, the giver. The surprise for me, however, lies in how much of a blind spot this has been in my life. That I’ve over-functioned in relationships as long as I can remember, never realising it was a lifelong performance for worthiness, driven by the belief that love must be earned—most often at the cost of my own self-abandonment.

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Codependency in Adult Relationships

“i learned how to love myself / by loving someone who did not love me / the way i needed to be loved.” ~ Nayyirah Waheed¹²

What I am beginning to understand about codependency is that it does not always look like the neediness, clinginess, or dependence on another that I assumed it to be. Sometimes it looks like the person who abandons themselves in the desire to earn love. The one who does everything: carries the emotional weight of the relationship, gives too much, fixes too quickly, and anticipates the emotions and needs of others—always eager to please and perform.

Sometimes it looks like being the strong one, the reliable one, the one who never admits to having needs or asks for anything in return. Hyper-independence, I'm learning, can be just as much a symptom of codependency as clinginess or fear of abandonment. It's still about control: about trying to manage connection, safety, and approval by never being a burden, never needing too much, and never taking up too much space.

The connection has become clear to me between the child who once over-functioned to keep love within reach and the adult who does the same. How the mirroring of codependent behaviours established in childhood now plays out in adult relationships: the preoccupation with the emotional needs of others, the inability to express—or even identify—one’s own needs, and the belief that love is something that must be earned through performance.

Psychotherapist Pia Mellody, in Facing Codependence, describes codependency as "a disorder of immaturity caused by childhood relational trauma," noting that individuals with these patterns often feel a deep sense of shame and low self-worth. In response, they overcompensate in adult relationships through caretaking, people-pleasing, controlling, or avoiding conflict at all costs—all in service of securing emotional safety.¹³

This internalised belief—that we are only worthy when useful—becomes particularly potent in romantic relationships, where the desire to be chosen and loved can feel like the ultimate test of value. We find ourselves tolerating emotional unavailability, excusing poor behaviour, or confusing chaos with intimacy. As psychotherapist Terri Cole notes in Boundary Boss, codependent individuals often fear setting boundaries because they worry it will lead to rejection or abandonment—fears that echo the original rupture of the Mother Wound.¹⁴

It's worth noting these codependent traits are not limited to romantic relationships but can often reveal themselves in friendships, in the workplace, and in parenting—spaces where we become the dependable one, the overachiever, the giver, the fixer; the friend, employee, or parent who never says no.

This, I am realising, is the insidious nature of codependency: what may begin as survival unwittingly becomes our identity, the lines between love and obligation blurring until we no longer recognise the difference.

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As I've delved deeper into this chapter I have come to realise I've not been immune to the codependent traits I once believed didn’t exist inside the foundations of my development. That the relationship with my mother—characterised by insecure attachment, emotional neglect, parentification, and the exchange of performance for approval—indeed became the framework for how I would later show up in relationship; teaching me to over-function and self-abandon and that love is something I must earn.

It is the blind spot that has reminded me that this work—this dismantling, this deconstructing, this unlearning—is not easy, but it is necessary. Because we cannot change what we do not see; what we are not willing to acknowledge. And what I know is I do not want to carry these patterns forward—not into love, not into the lives of my children. Because codependence may have been my inheritance, but it doesn't have to be my legacy. Instead, I choose to lean into a quiet defiance; a reclamation of self. To, as Sylvia Plath once wrote, take a deep breath and listen to the old brag of my heart: I am, I am, I am.¹⁵

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Next week: Chapter Fifteen: Lack of Boundaries ~ Eroding the Sense of Self

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1. Bacon, I., & Conway, J. (2023). Co-dependency and enmeshment — a fusion of concepts. International Journal of Mental Health and Addiction, 21(6), 3594–3603. https://doi.org/10.1007/s11469-022-00810-4

2. https://www.melodybeattie.com/codependentnomore

3. Steenkamp, J. (2018). An integrated theory & psychotherapy for trauma-spectrum manifestations. JOS.

4. https://www.michellehalle.com/blog/codependency-and-childhood-trauma

5. Bowlby, J. (1988). A Secure Base: Parent-Child Attachment and Healthy Human Development.

6. Gibson, L. C. (2015). Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents.

7. van der Kolk, B. A. (2014). The body keeps the score: Brain, mind, and body in the healing of trauma. Viking.

8. Bradshaw, J. (1990). Homecoming: Reclaiming and championing your inner child. Bantam Books.

9. Rich, A. (1976). Of woman born: Motherhood as experience and institution. W. W. Norton & Company.

10. Chase, N. D. (1999). Burdened children: Theory, research, and treatment of parentification. Sage Publications.

11. McBride, K. (2008). Will I ever be good enough? Healing the daughters of narcissistic mothers. Atria Books.

12. Waheed, N. (2013). Salt. CreateSpace Independent Publishing Platform.

13. Mellody, P., Miller, A. W., & Miller, J. K. (1989). Facing codependence: What it is, where it comes from, how it sabotages our lives. HarperOne.

14. Cole, T. (2021). Boundary boss: The essential guide to talk true, be seen, and (finally) live free. Sounds True.

15. Plath, S. (1963). The Bell Jar. London, England: Heinemann