Forward refers to those who have experienced betrayal trauma as unprotected daughters and says these daughters will enter the world in one of two ways: with the assumption that everyone will hurt or betray them and the belief they are alone in a dangerous world, or the pendulum may swing the other way and they will become overly trusting, ignoring warning signs and red flags in their desperate need to be loved
This resonates with be because I have been both . I trust no one. I love my husband of 35 years but I still can't fully trust him. Not that he has done anything wrong, it's just everyone has always let me down , so I just kind of expect it. And I've been the other one, hop into relationships because I need someone to hear me , see me, love me the way you are supposed to as a child. It's a horrible way to live. Trusting the wrong people and not trusting the people you should.
I came to leave this very comment! I vacillated between isolation-can't trust them- and being promiscuous to the point of endangering my life. At 70, I am grateful that these issues are behind me, but trusting that I am loved is still an issue sometimes.
Kathy, I read this post first, then eagerly devoured your first two posts and many of the comments left with such generosity. I don't know if there's anything I can add that hasn't already been shared, except to say ...
Your story of betrayal moves me deeply and resonates in a sorrowful way. Thank you for finding the patience and strength to write these incredible essays. Your writing is both poignant and achingly beautiful. I'm so sorry that I'm struggling to find the words today, especially as a poet, but that's the truth of it. What happened to you should never have happened. It breaks my heart to read your story.
Over time, I look forward to catching up with your earlier posts. This is going to be a lifejacket book for many, many people. Thank you so much for sharing your brave heart and your beautiful art.
Deborah, thank you so incredibly much for these words ❤️ I can't begin to tell you what they mean and how much encouragement they bring to me in knowing they are being heard — truly heard — by those who need them. So wonderful to have met you here.
Susan Forward. A name I’ve not seen in decades since I did my first early years in therapy. Her books I read then: Men Who Hate The Women Wjo Love Them”, and “Toxic Parents”.
💔 I’m so grateful to have found this, and I ache for your pain. I am so sorry. My mother wound is also deep and I recently just blocked her after realizing how dark her abuse and manipulation go. This “betrayal trauma” concept hits home. Thank you for the book recommendation as well, I’ve got that ordered. ❤️🩹
Kathy, thank you so much for such a courageous and vulnerable share. I felt so much resonance in your words. Betrayal trauma as the root of worthiness wounds and struggles is something I don’t think is talked about enough. Particularly when it comes to mothers. Sending you lots of love and virtual hugs ♥️
Lainey, thank you so much. To me, once I began to really look into it and consider it in my own life, I realised it was (I believe) the root of the mother wound, along with abandonment. The emotional damage my mother did to me through betrayal was far greater than any physical damage done to me by any of my abusers. Sending love and virtual hugs back to you <3
This is all so in alignment with what I have been processing~it's very validating to be reading more and more stories albeit saddening to see such a common thread. I'm so glad this came into my feed. Thank you for your sharing!
Kathy, thank you for the raw honesty of your words, they resonated a lot. I am in the process of writing a memoir and the betrayal wound is a major part of my experience as well. I’m so sorry and so sad that the brokenness and sickness of the people who are supposed to protect and care for us can cause such devastation and pain. But I am also grateful for the resiliency, strength and beauty having healed from these things seems to give to those of us who have survived!
Aiden, thanks so much for these words! I can absolutely relate to everything you have said, and feel in many ways our brokenness becomes our superpower, if we are willing to put in the work to heal. It’s always such a joy to connect with other survivors and like-minded souls, so thank you for reaching out ❤️
Kathy, although my story is different, I feel you and I know healing takes time and healing, like anything else, is not linear. Not feeling the pressure to forgive our Moms is a gift in its own. No one path is right, it’s your path. Betrayal runs deep as she SHOULD be THE person to love and protect us unconditionally. Yet, she didn’t. If you believe in karma, I will tell you a tale about how karma is in full force with my Mom. I hope you find peace and your worth along the way! Happiness is everywhere, no need to wait any longer! Xoxo 🩷
All I can say is this hit me. I felt every word. I never trust anyone and I'm afraid I will always be this way.
Jennifer Freyd work on Betrayal Trauma has helped me to understand myself more, but I don't know really what to do with it. I just know my mother betrayed me at every chance she got.
I wrote Bless The Daughters over three years, and still, after three years, I wasn’t sure what to do with a lot of what I had researched and learnt, nor did I feel I was any closer to healing in some areas. It’s a lifetime of work ahead, but every day we come closer to being healed. Sending much love ❤️
I first want to thank you for your courage to share such a deep, personal betrayal and dark trauma. I am adding the book, 'Mothers Who Can't Love: A healing guide for daughters by Susan Forward.' I am currently working through betrayal trauma and it is quite the journey. I also share the same experience in not wanting to be angry toward my mother because I thought it was 'wrong'. But I now acknowledge that the only thing that is truly wrong, is in robbing myself of the ability to feel that anger, because any emotion that we leave 'unfelt' turns into wisdom, direction, or validation that we deserve. I have a book on my reading list called 'Forgiving What You Can't Forget' by Lysa Terkeurst. I have come to accept that my mother couldn't protect me, because she wasn't protected and therefore in the pursuit of trying to forget the same type of betrayal, she did not 'arm' herself with the ways in how she could break the cycle, because her way of 'coping' was to suppress and deny. Although our parents are our PARENTS, I have learned that a title or responsibility cannot make a person CAPABLE. Does this excuse them? No! They deserve to be held accountable (and I believe that us holding them accountable enables us to find the healing and peace we deserve), however when we stay stuck in the fantasy of what could have been, instead of what was it halts our healing journey forward. I have transmuted my anger into compassion, not in an excusing manner but in a way that makes me do the work so that I am MORE CAPABLE than my mother ever was in so many ways. God forbid that the same trauma happens to my daughter...the point that I want to make is that her lack of protection has put a fire in me to know how to protect. I hope to work with a hypnotherapist one day. There are def dark, blank memories there. May you continue to find what you need to heal, to reclaim the parts of yourself that weren't able to be seen, loved, or heard due to this deep kind of betrayal!
I can relate to so much of what you have said, and have walked a similar journey myself. I also have two daughters who I am fiercely protective of, and who I have done all I can to end the generational trauma in my family so they, and my sons, have a life of freedom and wholeness. Thank you so much for reaching out, sending much love ❤️
I love this! I know that I will be that PROTECTIVE MOMMA BEAR! I am so happy that you have found a way to take back your power, by being the protective mother, and by finding ways to protect yourself. I appreciate the love and am sending it right back! This path is not easy, but it is given to the strong. It came to you, because it would STOP with you. Look forward to reading and deep diving into your other posts/work/series. ❤️
There is so much heartache here. Thank you for taking the time to share.
In my situation, my mother failed to protect me from my father, and also perpetrated her own abuse against me. When my father told her what he had done (I told him that either he would tell her, or I would), she did nothing. And when we did finally speak of it, her response was out of line.
She betrayed me with her silence, and she betrayed me with her words.
And unfortunately, this is not a rare occurrence in these situations. Thank you for addressing this topic.
Iryna, I’m so sorry you experienced such betrayal. My mother also failed to protect me from years of sexual abuse from my stepfather, and same as you — even when I did finally tell her, she did nothing. I have always said the pain of her betrayal hurt more than what any other human has ever done to me. It’s a betrayal we simply never recover from. I’m thankful you found my words and for your courage in sharing your story with me. Sending much love ❤️
Thank you for sharing this series! I am following this! My friend and I (having similar mother wounding) read the book together called “Mother Hunger: How Adult Daughters can understand and heal from Lost nurturance, protection, and guidance” by Kelly McDaniel! This is reinforcing what I felt, healed, and learned from this book!
My mother is the one who was the perpetrator of the betrayal trauma. I do not remember the majority of my childhood up to age 9. My brother filled me in on her screaming at me a lot. He did not get that treatment from her, just me. Thankful I had my father! However, I was strong willed enough in my later teen years that when I left home I never looked back. Unfortunately, it took me til I was 54 to cut all ties with her after she tried to manipulate my young adult children. I will never forgive her although many people tell me that forgiveness frees me but I am fine knowing her unbelief in our Savior has landed her in Hell where she belongs. I know that is harsh but I don't care.
My views around forgiveness have changed a lot in the last few years, since writing this book and since having to face my own inability to truly forgive — I write about it at the end of this book — but fair to say I'm actually okay with being someone who can't forgive.
Forward refers to those who have experienced betrayal trauma as unprotected daughters and says these daughters will enter the world in one of two ways: with the assumption that everyone will hurt or betray them and the belief they are alone in a dangerous world, or the pendulum may swing the other way and they will become overly trusting, ignoring warning signs and red flags in their desperate need to be loved
This resonates with be because I have been both . I trust no one. I love my husband of 35 years but I still can't fully trust him. Not that he has done anything wrong, it's just everyone has always let me down , so I just kind of expect it. And I've been the other one, hop into relationships because I need someone to hear me , see me, love me the way you are supposed to as a child. It's a horrible way to live. Trusting the wrong people and not trusting the people you should.
I came to leave this very comment! I vacillated between isolation-can't trust them- and being promiscuous to the point of endangering my life. At 70, I am grateful that these issues are behind me, but trusting that I am loved is still an issue sometimes.
I can relate, Jeannine ❤️
Yes, yes! I thought sex was love. How wrong I was. Love coming your way.
I can relate to this completely, Kim ❤️
Kathy, I read this post first, then eagerly devoured your first two posts and many of the comments left with such generosity. I don't know if there's anything I can add that hasn't already been shared, except to say ...
Your story of betrayal moves me deeply and resonates in a sorrowful way. Thank you for finding the patience and strength to write these incredible essays. Your writing is both poignant and achingly beautiful. I'm so sorry that I'm struggling to find the words today, especially as a poet, but that's the truth of it. What happened to you should never have happened. It breaks my heart to read your story.
Over time, I look forward to catching up with your earlier posts. This is going to be a lifejacket book for many, many people. Thank you so much for sharing your brave heart and your beautiful art.
Deborah, thank you so incredibly much for these words ❤️ I can't begin to tell you what they mean and how much encouragement they bring to me in knowing they are being heard — truly heard — by those who need them. So wonderful to have met you here.
I’m rocked. Thank you for this insight.
Thank you, Anna! 🙏💕
Susan Forward. A name I’ve not seen in decades since I did my first early years in therapy. Her books I read then: Men Who Hate The Women Wjo Love Them”, and “Toxic Parents”.
Her work has been so, so helpful for me as I’ve worked my way through this healing journey.
💔 I’m so grateful to have found this, and I ache for your pain. I am so sorry. My mother wound is also deep and I recently just blocked her after realizing how dark her abuse and manipulation go. This “betrayal trauma” concept hits home. Thank you for the book recommendation as well, I’ve got that ordered. ❤️🩹
Much, much love Megan ❤️
Betrayal trauma theory is epic! Jennifer Freyd is one of my all-time heros.
Her background is impeccable on this issue – her parents created the false memory society.
Kathy, thank you so much for such a courageous and vulnerable share. I felt so much resonance in your words. Betrayal trauma as the root of worthiness wounds and struggles is something I don’t think is talked about enough. Particularly when it comes to mothers. Sending you lots of love and virtual hugs ♥️
Lainey, thank you so much. To me, once I began to really look into it and consider it in my own life, I realised it was (I believe) the root of the mother wound, along with abandonment. The emotional damage my mother did to me through betrayal was far greater than any physical damage done to me by any of my abusers. Sending love and virtual hugs back to you <3
This is all so in alignment with what I have been processing~it's very validating to be reading more and more stories albeit saddening to see such a common thread. I'm so glad this came into my feed. Thank you for your sharing!
Karen, I’m so glad my words found you — I love how the universe brings into our paths everything we need on our healing journeys. Sending much love <3
Kathy, thank you for the raw honesty of your words, they resonated a lot. I am in the process of writing a memoir and the betrayal wound is a major part of my experience as well. I’m so sorry and so sad that the brokenness and sickness of the people who are supposed to protect and care for us can cause such devastation and pain. But I am also grateful for the resiliency, strength and beauty having healed from these things seems to give to those of us who have survived!
Aiden, thanks so much for these words! I can absolutely relate to everything you have said, and feel in many ways our brokenness becomes our superpower, if we are willing to put in the work to heal. It’s always such a joy to connect with other survivors and like-minded souls, so thank you for reaching out ❤️
Kathy, although my story is different, I feel you and I know healing takes time and healing, like anything else, is not linear. Not feeling the pressure to forgive our Moms is a gift in its own. No one path is right, it’s your path. Betrayal runs deep as she SHOULD be THE person to love and protect us unconditionally. Yet, she didn’t. If you believe in karma, I will tell you a tale about how karma is in full force with my Mom. I hope you find peace and your worth along the way! Happiness is everywhere, no need to wait any longer! Xoxo 🩷
Thank you for these words, Wen! So much truth and encouragement in them ❤️
All I can say is this hit me. I felt every word. I never trust anyone and I'm afraid I will always be this way.
Jennifer Freyd work on Betrayal Trauma has helped me to understand myself more, but I don't know really what to do with it. I just know my mother betrayed me at every chance she got.
Thank you for sharing this.🩵💗
I wrote Bless The Daughters over three years, and still, after three years, I wasn’t sure what to do with a lot of what I had researched and learnt, nor did I feel I was any closer to healing in some areas. It’s a lifetime of work ahead, but every day we come closer to being healed. Sending much love ❤️
I first want to thank you for your courage to share such a deep, personal betrayal and dark trauma. I am adding the book, 'Mothers Who Can't Love: A healing guide for daughters by Susan Forward.' I am currently working through betrayal trauma and it is quite the journey. I also share the same experience in not wanting to be angry toward my mother because I thought it was 'wrong'. But I now acknowledge that the only thing that is truly wrong, is in robbing myself of the ability to feel that anger, because any emotion that we leave 'unfelt' turns into wisdom, direction, or validation that we deserve. I have a book on my reading list called 'Forgiving What You Can't Forget' by Lysa Terkeurst. I have come to accept that my mother couldn't protect me, because she wasn't protected and therefore in the pursuit of trying to forget the same type of betrayal, she did not 'arm' herself with the ways in how she could break the cycle, because her way of 'coping' was to suppress and deny. Although our parents are our PARENTS, I have learned that a title or responsibility cannot make a person CAPABLE. Does this excuse them? No! They deserve to be held accountable (and I believe that us holding them accountable enables us to find the healing and peace we deserve), however when we stay stuck in the fantasy of what could have been, instead of what was it halts our healing journey forward. I have transmuted my anger into compassion, not in an excusing manner but in a way that makes me do the work so that I am MORE CAPABLE than my mother ever was in so many ways. God forbid that the same trauma happens to my daughter...the point that I want to make is that her lack of protection has put a fire in me to know how to protect. I hope to work with a hypnotherapist one day. There are def dark, blank memories there. May you continue to find what you need to heal, to reclaim the parts of yourself that weren't able to be seen, loved, or heard due to this deep kind of betrayal!
I can relate to so much of what you have said, and have walked a similar journey myself. I also have two daughters who I am fiercely protective of, and who I have done all I can to end the generational trauma in my family so they, and my sons, have a life of freedom and wholeness. Thank you so much for reaching out, sending much love ❤️
I love this! I know that I will be that PROTECTIVE MOMMA BEAR! I am so happy that you have found a way to take back your power, by being the protective mother, and by finding ways to protect yourself. I appreciate the love and am sending it right back! This path is not easy, but it is given to the strong. It came to you, because it would STOP with you. Look forward to reading and deep diving into your other posts/work/series. ❤️
❤️
There is so much heartache here. Thank you for taking the time to share.
In my situation, my mother failed to protect me from my father, and also perpetrated her own abuse against me. When my father told her what he had done (I told him that either he would tell her, or I would), she did nothing. And when we did finally speak of it, her response was out of line.
She betrayed me with her silence, and she betrayed me with her words.
And unfortunately, this is not a rare occurrence in these situations. Thank you for addressing this topic.
Iryna, I’m so sorry you experienced such betrayal. My mother also failed to protect me from years of sexual abuse from my stepfather, and same as you — even when I did finally tell her, she did nothing. I have always said the pain of her betrayal hurt more than what any other human has ever done to me. It’s a betrayal we simply never recover from. I’m thankful you found my words and for your courage in sharing your story with me. Sending much love ❤️
Thank you for sharing this series! I am following this! My friend and I (having similar mother wounding) read the book together called “Mother Hunger: How Adult Daughters can understand and heal from Lost nurturance, protection, and guidance” by Kelly McDaniel! This is reinforcing what I felt, healed, and learned from this book!
If your parents didn't protect you when you were a child, take revenge and don't look after them in their old age.
My mother is the one who was the perpetrator of the betrayal trauma. I do not remember the majority of my childhood up to age 9. My brother filled me in on her screaming at me a lot. He did not get that treatment from her, just me. Thankful I had my father! However, I was strong willed enough in my later teen years that when I left home I never looked back. Unfortunately, it took me til I was 54 to cut all ties with her after she tried to manipulate my young adult children. I will never forgive her although many people tell me that forgiveness frees me but I am fine knowing her unbelief in our Savior has landed her in Hell where she belongs. I know that is harsh but I don't care.
My views around forgiveness have changed a lot in the last few years, since writing this book and since having to face my own inability to truly forgive — I write about it at the end of this book — but fair to say I'm actually okay with being someone who can't forgive.
Thanks for writing this, Kathy. 💚
Vari 🧡